A wholehearted apology from the depths of that withered and crusty, nicotine-choked stone that I’ve disguised as a vital organ. You haven’t been forgotten, nay, I weep at the notion of losing you. Blame my negligence on a slight but unfortunate geographical migration, an epicurean sabbatical, existential crisis, draught, famine, locusts, whatever you think fit. Do not doubt my shame, for it is great, vast, endless, have you ever seen the ocean? I’m sorry.
And yet, here I kneel, in my dilapidated hut in the woods, knees bleeding but still devout. My altar is piled high with goods, a caloric edifice dedicated to gluttonous Nirvana: a bountiful harvest of Corn Nuts, Slim Jims (the kind with the lil piece of cheese included), Mountain Dew Code Red, generic Cap’n Crunch, Hot Mama pickles, quiche found in a pan at Goodwill, shrooms, 99¢ potato chips called “Chip N Chips” made by US Foods, anything that the Keebler elf has ever COME CLOSE to ejaculating on, Faygo, Cheez Wiz, my own urine, Trader Joe’s slimiest peanut butter, corn, Korn, jenkem, jerky, you fucking name it, I’m fucking eating it.
And I wanna use your tears to salt it.
You know you love me,
Hell! I cannot shit.
Remedy my anal toil!
Don’t fucking worry.
My eternal apologies for my unannounced, accidental, irresponsible absence. I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for my return. I didn’t (really) forget about you, my sweet disciples. Its just that my fingers have been so deep in so many…projects that I haven’t been able to inflict you with my wisdom.
But that shall change.
I love you, don’t leave me. I love you.
Just a little project I’m working on.
EDIT: Shit, shit, shit, I spelled “introduce” wrong. FUCK. See why I need this? DO YOU SEE?