That last post was fake, like most of my actions (ask anyone I’ve ever dated ;) heh). In truth I’ve been very busy (“really depressed”). Uh, but anyway the holidays are upon us and hopefully everyone’s pubes trees are trimmed, you’ve baptized your Thanksgiving baby in holy toilet water and your usual whorin’ corner isn’t too crowded with indebted Black Friday over-spenders.
The Three Wise Men bestowed upon the infant Christ gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. This winter, I ask for you to mimic that holy gesture with an offering of equal significance. Number one on my Christmas list is a submission from you. Yes, YOU! Give me something to talk about and I’ll do ya dirty.
Dear Reader(s),
A wholehearted apology from the depths of that withered and crusty, nicotine-choked stone that I’ve disguised as a vital organ. You haven’t been forgotten, nay, I weep at the notion of losing you. Blame my negligence on a slight but unfortunate geographical migration, an epicurean sabbatical, existential crisis, draught, famine, locusts, whatever you think fit. Do not doubt my shame, for it is great, vast, endless, have you ever seen the ocean? I’m sorry.
And yet, here I kneel, in my dilapidated hut in the woods, knees bleeding but still devout. My altar is piled high with goods, a caloric edifice dedicated to gluttonous Nirvana: a bountiful harvest of Corn Nuts, Slim Jims (the kind with the lil piece of cheese included), Mountain Dew Code Red, generic Cap’n Crunch, Hot Mama pickles, quiche found in a pan at Goodwill, shrooms, 99¢ potato chips called “Chip N Chips” made by US Foods, anything that the Keebler elf has ever COME CLOSE to ejaculating on, Faygo, Cheez Wiz, my own urine, Trader Joe’s slimiest peanut butter, corn, Korn, jenkem, jerky, you fucking name it, I’m fucking eating it.
And I wanna use your tears to salt it.
You know you love me,
XOXO
Chef Wilson
Don’t fucking worry.
My eternal apologies for my unannounced, accidental, irresponsible absence. I know you’ve all been waiting with bated breath for my return. I didn’t (really) forget about you, my sweet disciples. Its just that my fingers have been so deep in so many…projects that I haven’t been able to inflict you with my wisdom.
But that shall change.
I love you, don’t leave me. I love you.
Please.
Just a little project I’m working on.
EDIT: Shit, shit, shit, I spelled “introduce” wrong. FUCK. See why I need this? DO YOU SEE?
Should I be as aroused as I am?
Discuss.
Anonymous asked: Where do you get off making fun of people with serious health problems?
Yo, what? Hold up, anonymous. Where have I done this? You must be misinterpreting me as some kinda holy health mercenary (LOL). Read further. But you know what they say, survival of the fittest, BITCH. 
gutenmorgan asked: http://prettygirlfood.com/post/4090627730
so u liek corn huh?
Damn, this looks dope as a donkey’s dick. The end kernels look like bloody little teeth. Nice! This blog on the other hand…I wanna fight Pretty Girl. Or maybe just burglarize her kitchen.
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